Humans? Two-legged dwellers of the Earth? It’s your Creator here. I know, I know, it’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me. I’ve been busy up in the Oort Cloud.

I’ve been busy up in the Oort Cloud…

I thought about coming down in a blaze of Comet-ic glory, ride the fiery chariot at the head of Ison, all of that stuff you’ve read about.

But then I thought, well, maybe just step back to the front of the class and get the lessons going again.

So, you’ve had time to study the situation, no? You’ve been doing your homework? A few of you have had some, um, interesting projects. Anyway, I think it’s about time for a quiz.

Shh. Settle down. You had to know something was coming. I mean, eventually you knew it would come to this. I’ve got to grade you somehow, and it’s been so long. You didn’t do so well with that flood exam. Still, if you’ve done your homework, you should be well prepared.

Okay, pens and paper only on your desks. C’mon. All phones and other electronic devices, off. Put everything except your pen and paper into your bags and your bags under your chairs. Ready? You, back row, phone off and tucked away in your bag. Now, please.

I’m going to give the questions orally. The last time I wrote them down, the tablets ended up in pieces and we had to start all over again. I still can’t figure out why everyone went so wild over a bit of metal statuary…

Let’s see. Looks like everybody’s ready. Here we go, first question:

1. Which is more important, your relationship with Me, an Ineffable and Unknown Being, or your relationship with your fellow humans, whom I also created? (Extra points for originality.)

Okay, you’ve all had enough time with that one. Next question.

2. If I, your Creator, gave you a miraculous planet with air, water, land, plenty of resources for food, shelter and clothing, and all that you might need, animals, plants, and awe-inspiriting landscapes, should you:
a.) Use and abuse it at will without regard for care and upkeep.
b.) Grab all you can for yourself, friends, and relationships and fight the rest of Creation to keep anybody or anything else from it.
c.) Take it, process it, and sell it for vast profits.
d.) Consider it a gift and take care of it with an eye to sustaining the resources and planet into the future.

All you have to do is write the letter of your answer. It shouldn’t take you ten pages to explain it.

…I, your Creator, am Ineffable…

Last question now. Pay attention, it’s a bit tricky:

3. If I, your Creator, am Ineffable, and you, the Created, cannot possible know or understand me, explain religious dogma.

This one might take you ten pages or more to answer. I’ll be back in a few generations to see how you’re doing. I’m curious to see what you have to write about this.